Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,
I’m a litte mixed up: If Todd Akin had not been talking “over the pail,” would forcible rape be OK? If my birth control pills become illegal and I get pregnant “over the pail,” can I still get an abortion?
Sincerely,
Confused in Dairy Country
HEY GIRL: Todd Akin was talking over the pail, which, in dairy country, means he was right on target.
If you’re milking a cow, where do you want the teats? Right over the pail. Once those teats are lined up over the pail, you’re right on target.
That being said, forcible rape is never OK, but lucky for you, ladies do have a mysterious and wonderful way of shutting down their ovaries and things when the sex gets a little too rough.
When I’m vice president, and all birth control is criminalized, you ladies will just have to be a little more selective about who you put “over the pail,” if you know what I mean and I think you do. Like, try putting only your lawfully-wed husband over the pail. Problem solved.
Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,
My economics teacher says we live in a social market system, a type of free market system. My priest says my vagina belongs to god whilst my dad says the majority of these pinko media organizations and their free-vagina agenda can’t be trusted. So, if the market usually determines the media available to us, some capitalist agenda must be at play. Is god not a capitalist? And how did he allow Beelzebub to get control of the board room? Help protect my vagina!
Sincerely,
Vagina, Money, Religion, Help!
HEY GIRL: You think too much. Lighten up, go shopping, have some Cosmos with the girls, and leave the economics, philosophy and theology to the menfolk.
Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,
I was wondering, with all the buzz about rape in the media recently, if you were ever raped, would you follow the fabulous republican advice that once you realized it was inevitable you should just lay back and enjoy it? It’s a good thing you can’t get pregnant so your body doesn’t have to shut down the rapist’s sperm.
Sincerely,
Hypothetical Poser
HEY GIRL: You’re hilarious. Boys can’t get raped.
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