Paul Ryan Gosling

I like my women like I like my cheese curds-- yellow, squeaky and distrustful of big government programs that benefit the poor and middle class.

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Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,

My church doesn’t hand out church bulletins anymore in order to save money. Luckily the GOP provides us with material to read during sermons, which is gleefully handed to each person as they walk in the door to worship by smiling deacons. The information in these pamphlets (which could just as easy be dropped on an unsuspecting city from a private jet) are so much help during an election year. Shouldn’t these be handed out at schools as well?

Sincerely,

Inquiring at Church


HEY GIRL: No, there’s no point in handing them out at schools since kids can’t vote. There is, however, value in pushing your state legislature to pass a law allowing children as young as 3 to cast ballots. It’s a proven fact that minors don’t use more than a third of their brains at any given time, which is the perfect amount of brain usage if you want someone to vote Republican.

So once you get a “Youth Suffrage” bill passed, then I would highly suggest handing out pamphlets at schools. You could even put something together with a “Hunger Games” theme. Tell them: “When you vote Republican, you’re one step closer living in Panem. And who knows? YOU could be the next Katniss Everdeen!”

Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,

Why do I, a woman, still make less than most men doing the same or a similar job?

HEY GIRL: I’m not really sure what you’re asking. Are you asking me why you’re a woman? Well it’s because you were cursed. And obviously since you’re cursed, you’re not going to ever make as much money as someone who is not cursed.

Does that make sense, sweetheart? Or do I need to use smaller words?

Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,

Which should be lower, my Tax Rate or my Body Mass Index?

HEY GIRL: Definitely tax rate. Strive for about 20 BMI, and under 10% for your tax rate. If you can have a body fat percentage and tax rate of about 6, you’ll be killin’ it.

If you have a question for Paul Ryan Gosling, submit it here. Satisfaction not guaranteed.

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