Paul Ryan Gosling

Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,

My mother brought me to this country from Mexico when I was just a little over a year old. I finished high school only to find out I was undocumented when I started applying to college. Distraught, I slept with my pure-American boyfriend, and now I’m pregnant with a US citizen. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Anonymous Future Mother

HEY GIRL: This one’s easy. No pure American would sleep with an illegal Mexican. That means your boyfriend is, quite frankly, as impure as you, and he is also most likely illegal in some way. So please, do us all a favor and self-deport. But not before donating $2,500 to the Romney/Ryan campaign from yourself, your boyfriend and from your bastard illegal baby-to-be. Consider it penance for your sins.

Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,

I live in a government-subsidized housing, but I hate big government. Should I move out, or is it OK to benefit from what I despise?

Sincerely,

Poor Person

HEY GIRL: There’s nothing wrong with benefiting from something you despise as long as you destroy it in the process. I, for example, despise people in the middle and lower classes, but I am counting on their votes to elect me vice president. See? I hate them, but I will greatly benefit from their votes, AND I plan on destroying them as soon as I win.

So feel free to live in the big government housing, but put some big holes in the walls, flush some vegetables down the toilet, take a sledge hammer to your neighbor’s doors, and toss some pink paint all over the front of the building.

And then vote Romney/Ryan ‘12!

Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,

How do I convince my boyfriend that he should get up early in the morning and help me when I go to dressage competitions?

Sincerely,

Frustrated GF

HEY GIRL: You sound rich; I like that in a lady. I’m assuming you come from good stock as well. WASP?

Anyway, any boyfriend who doesn’t like going to dressage competitions should be kicked to the c-u-r-b, curb. He’s most likely from a plebeian class, and quite honestly could never appreciate one of the finer sports such as dressage, polo, and human chess.

So tell him that you’re sorry, but you’re just too good for him and now he has to leave. Make sure he thanks you for your time before he walks his Wal-Mart bag of possessions out of your (back) door for the last time. Then put on something tight and low-cut and head to the early-morning dressage comp on your own. I’m sure a fine rich thing like yourself will snag a sugar daddy-cum-husband in no time. I assume I don’t need to tell you to stay away from the eastern Europeans, Arabs, Hispanics and Jews.

If you have a question for Paul Ryan Gosling, submit it here. Satisfaction not guaranteed.

Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,

Since I read that you proposed to your wife on a fly-fishing trip, I regard you as something of an expert on the delicate balance between family, fish and game conservation, and throwing off the shackles of our government overlords. Here’s my question: If a pregnant woman wants to go out angling for brook trout, should her fetus—nay, PERSON—have to purchase a fishing license too? Or is that Voldemort-style socialism?

Sincerely,

Fishing for the Truth

HEY GIRL: If you’re pregnant, you shouldn’t be trout fishing. You should be at home, knitting and cooking dinner for your family. I love ya, but that’s end of discussion.

Dear Paul Ryan Gosling, 

Should I move in with him?

Sincerely,

U-Haul, I Wonder

HEY GIRL: If by “him” you mean your lawfully-wedded husband, to whom you have pledged a life of love, honor and obedience, til death do you part, then yes, yes, a thousand times YES!

But if by “him” you mean some scumbag who wishes to shag you rotten on a nightly basis followed by daily abortions, all without any thought to actually committing himself to you in marriage, then no.

And if by “him” you mean your gay lover, then I shouldn’t even be talking to you.

If you have a question for Paul Ryan Gosling, submit it here. Satisfaction not guaranteed.