Paul Ryan Gosling

I like my women like I like my cheese curds-- yellow, squeaky and distrustful of big government programs that benefit the poor and middle class.

facebook.com/paulryangosling
You’re good at the things ladies do.

You’re good at the things ladies do.

Just lay back and tell your ovaries to take five.

Just lay back and tell your ovaries to take five.

Equal pay for women would hurt women more.

Equal pay for women would hurt women more.

Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,

What’s the best song to “make whoopie” to?

Sincerely,

In The Mood

HEY GIRL: When I’m making love to a fine thing like yourself, I usually find myself humming “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.” I find it helps to prolongs the experience, if you know what I mean and I think that you do. The only downside is now I can’t go to a Brewers game without excusing myself to a bathroom stall for about three-and-a-half minutes after the seventh inning stretch.

Medicare cuts!

Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,

Does rape cause pregnancy?

Sincerely,

Need Answer Quick

HEY GIRL: No, the love of a man for a woman, as demonstrated by the insertion of his erect penis into her soft, supple vagina while kissing her lips and humming “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” causes pregnancy.

Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,

Would you rather wake up next to a dozen adorable kittens or a sick, coughing spouse?

Sincerely,

John McCain

HEY GIRL: I’m fairly certain you’re not the real John McCain. If you are, answer this question that only the real John McCain would know the answer to: What was the name of the prostitute at that opium den in Madagascar who was feeding us lemon cake off of her ass?

If you have a question for Paul Ryan Gosling, submit it here. Satisfaction not guaranteed. 

Next up: Invisible Biden!

Next up: Invisible Biden!

I just wanna regulate your brains out— all day, all night.

I just wanna regulate your brains out— all day, all night.

If God loved poor people, he would’ve made them rich.

If God loved poor people, he would’ve made them rich.

Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,

I’m a litte mixed up: If Todd Akin had not been talking “over the pail,” would forcible rape be OK? If my birth control pills become illegal and I get pregnant “over the pail,” can I still get an abortion?

Sincerely,

Confused in Dairy Country

HEY GIRL: Todd Akin was talking over the pail, which, in dairy country, means he was right on target.

If you’re milking a cow, where do you want the teats? Right over the pail. Once those teats are lined up over the pail, you’re right on target.

That being said, forcible rape is never OK, but lucky for you, ladies do have a mysterious and wonderful way of shutting down their ovaries and things when the sex gets a little too rough.

When I’m vice president, and all birth control is criminalized, you ladies will just have to be a little more selective about who you put “over the pail,” if you know what I mean and I think you do. Like, try putting only your lawfully-wed husband over the pail. Problem solved.

Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,

My economics teacher says we live in a social market system, a type of free market system. My priest says my vagina belongs to god whilst my dad says the majority of these pinko media organizations and their free-vagina agenda can’t be trusted. So, if the market usually determines the media available to us, some capitalist agenda must be at play. Is god not a capitalist? And how did he allow Beelzebub to get control of the board room? Help protect my vagina!

Sincerely,

Vagina, Money, Religion, Help!

HEY GIRL: You think too much. Lighten up, go shopping, have some Cosmos with the girls, and leave the economics, philosophy and theology to the menfolk.

Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,

I was wondering, with all the buzz about rape in the media recently, if you were ever raped, would you follow the fabulous republican advice that once you realized it was inevitable you should just lay back and enjoy it? It’s a good thing you can’t get pregnant so your body doesn’t have to shut down the rapist’s sperm.

Sincerely, 

Hypothetical Poser

HEY GIRL: You’re hilarious. Boys can’t get raped.

If you have a question for Paul Ryan Gosling, submit it here. Satisfaction not guaranteed.

We need a a president that looks All-American. 

We need a a president that looks All-American. 

Girl, I hate to admit it, but I think about the wealthy more than I think about you.

Girl, I hate to admit it, but I think about the wealthy more than I think about you.