October 2012
7 posts
Listen up, sweetheart...
Hey girl, people that text the word “Give” to the Obama campaign at 62262, thereby donating $10 to his re-election efforts, make we want to vomit. Whatever you do today, don’t do that. DO NOT DO THAT!
Let me clarify: Whatever you might have going on today, DO NOT TAKE THE TIME TO TYPE THE LETTERS “GIVE” TO 62262.
I know as a woman, you don’t have the...
September 2012
4 posts
August 2012
67 posts
Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,
What’s the best song to “make whoopie” to?
Sincerely,
In The Mood
HEY GIRL: When I’m making love to a fine thing like yourself, I usually find myself humming “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.” I find it helps to prolongs the experience, if you know what I mean and I think that you do. The only downside is now I can’t go to a Brewers game without excusing...
Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,
I’m a litte mixed up: If Todd Akin had not been talking “over the pail,” would forcible rape be OK? If my birth control pills become illegal and I get pregnant “over the pail,” can I still get an abortion?
Sincerely,
Confused in Dairy Country
HEY GIRL: Todd Akin was talking over the pail, which, in dairy country, means he was right on target.
If you’re...
Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,
My church doesn’t hand out church bulletins anymore in order to save money. Luckily the GOP provides us with material to read during sermons, which is gleefully handed to each person as they walk in the door to worship by smiling deacons. The information in these pamphlets (which could just as easy be dropped on an unsuspecting city from a private jet) are so much help during an election...
Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,
My mother brought me to this country from Mexico when I was just a little over a year old. I finished high school only to find out I was undocumented when I started applying to college. Distraught, I slept with my pure-American boyfriend, and now I’m pregnant with a US citizen. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Anonymous Future Mother
HEY GIRL: This one’s easy. No pure American would...
Dear Paul Ryan Gosling,
Since I read that you proposed to your wife on a fly-fishing trip, I regard you as something of an expert on the delicate balance between family, fish and game conservation, and throwing off the shackles of our government overlords. Here’s my question: If a pregnant woman wants to go out angling for brook trout, should her fetus—nay, PERSON—have to purchase a fishing license too?...
Ask Paul Ryan Gosling anything
Hey girl, I hate seeing you in pain. So in addition to my duties as running mate, Congressman and lover, I’ll now be adding the title of “Advice Columnist” to my business card.
I also hate seeing you ignorant, so also feel free to ask me for policy clarification.
And pie recipes.
Ask away.
The Facebook!
Hey girl, I like you, you like me. Let’s make it official.
Click here and then “Like” my page on Facebook. My people tell me you won’t be sorry!
Or click here if you want to see what you’re actually clicking on: www.Facebook.com/PaulRyanGosling
Either way, just take a break from blowing on your nails for a second and click something.
